Friday, November 4, 2011
Question of the Week (11/4/11)
Write a satirical essay, putting to use some of the strategies you have observed in Swift's writing. You might think of this assignment in terms of advocating one solution to a problem while pretending to advocate another. Or you might think of it in terms of playing the fool among knaves. Or you might think in terms of borrowing Swift's super-rational, at times mathematical reasoning for a cause that is utterly irrational—or so rational that it forgets to take feeling, morals, etc. into account. This week post your essays by 3 p.m. Tuesday. Don't forget to read another essay and include your response. Enjoy your weekend.
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Today, billions of dollars are spent on clothing each year. Everyone wants to be “in style;” and, therefore, buy all sorts of clothes. People will spend tons of money at Kohls, Macy’s, Gap, and other huge clothing stores. They will buy T-shirts, turtlenecks, dresses, jeans, baseball hats, crocs, boots, jerseys, socks, sweatshirts, etc.; the list goes on and on. But why? What is the need? Why waste so much money? Do people really need all these clothes just to survive? We should model ourselves after the ancient Romans and wear togas.
ReplyDeleteWhy did I choose togas? They are the simplest and most respected clothing I could think of. Really, any one type of clothing is getting to the right idea, but if I had to choose one object, it would be a toga. First of all, I think everyone would be okay with wearing togas wherever they go. They are really cool looking. Not only this, but they are simple. I was reading about transcendentalism and Walden by Thoreau last year and how simplicity is such a wonderful thing. Simplicity gives us more time to think and focus on more important matters in our lives. Everyone strives to make his or her lives more simple and less chaotic. Well here is the first step to living such a life; buy a toga. Togas would clean out our drawers of countless amounts of worthless clothes, some of which we only wear once a year. Togas would also save us incredible amounts of money. I admit that I must have hundreds of t-shirts that I rarely ever wear all of in a year. With a toga, I would only need one piece of clothing. Sure maybe I could buy a few different colored togas so I have about three total just to give some variety. Now my parents would only have had to buy 3 togas for me rather than racking up hundreds of t-shirts, pants, and other types of clothing. These togas are also hard to grow out of. They don’t mold perfectly to your body so there is plenty of wiggle room for growth. Togas would also save us loads of time. There would be no more driving and shopping for hours just to get new clothes. We wouldn’t have to take the time to decide what we are going to wear in the morning. We have no choice but to wear a toga. Togas can also be used for many activities. Everyone could wear their togas to school, to the restaurant, while working in the garden, and maybe even running around (you can do that with no clothes if you can’t stand a toga). Because togas are so versatile, we would never have to spend time changing in between activities. We would also never have to spend time picking up our room or organizing our drawers. The only clothing that would need to be organized is a toga or two. In school and together, everyone would also look much better. We would all look neat and alike with our colorful togas. Who needs a school dress code? With only togas we would also give each other more a variety of gifts. Instead of always getting clothes for Christmas, we could get more abstract and awesome gifts for each other and make the holidays and birthdays more exciting! The only down side is that Santa would have to work much harder.
Overall, togas would enhance our lives in so many different ways. Next time you go to the store and buy a load of clothes from macy’s, think of the toga and how all of those clothes are just a waste and could be replaced with just one object. After all, who need clothes when they have a toga?
"needs"
ReplyDeleteThe standard “American” citizen is criticized for being obese and overweight. Though people in the small town of Hanover don’t appear to support this stereotypical claim, the average United States citizen is considered overweight. There have been many that have tried to solve this unending problem. Politicians, doctors, and businessmen have all tried to solve this problem by simply targeting the fast food business. But, it’s not entirely the fast food business that is at fault. In fact, the food that we consider “junk” food is actually filled with quite a bit of nutrition. This leads to a solution to the problem. While all of us still have to exercise, we will only eat hamburgers to fulfill our daily nutrition, with moderation of course.
ReplyDeleteIf one ever takes the chance to look at the labels on a McDonald’s hamburger or cheeseburger or even a Big Mac, one would find that the amount of calories within each of them are not actually all that much. By consuming a limited amount of hamburgers each day, we can divide the 2000 calorie diet into three portions. These three portions will serve as breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Of course there is still an issue that still stands. That issue would be the amount of nutrition that a hamburger has. Hamburgers contain a wide variety of ingredients. There is bread in the buns, protein within the patty, and a multitude of vitamins and fiber in the vegetables that one can put in a hamburger. In the end, the hamburger actually contains more nutrients than other foods.
Hamburgers are also easily portable and can be brought from place to place or eaten on the run. This kind of efficiency will be favored by those who have a very demanding job and do not have a lot of time to stop and eat. Hamburgers are not only portable but do not require any utensils to eat. Not only is this convenient for the person eating the hamburger, but it is also good for the environment. If everyone started eating the three meal hamburger plan, we would stop using plastic silverware. Without all those chemicals being released into the environment from the plastic, the world becomes a greener place as well.
Some may complain that eating that many hamburgers will result in even more weight problems than we have had in the past. My simple answer to that is no, we will not. My long answer is that as long as we keep exercising and doing our daily jobs, the calories and nutrients from the hamburgers will quickly burn off. And do not fret for those who do not have enough time to exercise in a day. This idea is merely a proposal. You do not have to follow the plan if you do not find it efficient. However, should you find yourself not following this plan, you may become envious of friends around you who have found this plan to be quite benefiting.
The three portions a day hamburger plan is an ideal way to change the way America eats and also change the stereotype of how all Americans are obese and overweight. Perhaps you may not agree with this plan, but who else has a better plan? The politicians and the businessmen certainly don’t have one. This plan is an efficient, easy, and productive way for America to improve itself and for the citizens to improve themselves as well.
Nice job Brendan! You sure convinced me that togas are better than normal clothing. The way that you relate your details to the audience was a good way to convince people follow your proposal. You had a good idea about the audience of the paper. You gave good examples for younger audiences when you said , “ who needs a school dress code” while also appealing to older audiences when you talked about efficiency in just owning three togas. You seem to have a tendency to use I and me in this essay. It should be okay because this essay was mainly for satire but it felt iffy to me at some points. Overall, a well rounded essay!
Depression and suicide kills many humans each year. Some people have trouble expressing feelings. They don’t feel comfortable straight out saying, “I don’t see a reason to live,” or “I’m really having a hard time and don’t know what to do.” Those types of people tend to drop hints of their feelings. They’ll say little things like “god, I wish this was the last day I ever have to take a math test.” Little hints of depression that most friends or classmates won’t pick up on. When someone gets the feeling that a friend may be having troubles we usually ask the question, “Are you ok?” To which the person will always reply, “I’m fine.” This sentence is a way to blow off feelings. It gives the questioner an easy out, they assume they’ve done their part as a friend and move on. The human voice can put emotion behind it. You know someone is excited when their voice raises and speeds up. You can tell a sentence is a question when the last word goes up slightly in pitch. Yet usually it’s the facial expression that gives away the true emotion. This is why I believe we should sing instead of talk.
ReplyDeleteIn songs your emotion is expressed through each note and crescendo and decrescendo. We can sing staccato if we’re excited or long legato notes for when speak of sadness. If you listen to music in a different language it’s pretty clear what the mood of the song is. If it’s low and slow it’s usually a melancholy piece, whereas if it was fast pace and bouncy, it’s a more spirited and happy song. If we were to sing instead of speak we’d never wonder the true feelings of the speaker. Finally when you ask the question “are you ok,” the responder would have to belt out their true feelings, they wouldn’t be able to hide under a monotone voice.
If life was a living musical no one would feel uncomfortable sharing their feelings. When you burst into a catchy song of how angry you are, others are sure to join in and harmonize behind you. With out this build up of feelings being locked inside you, the rates of depression are guaranteed to decrease.
People would be able to socialize more. As you burst into a song expressing yourself others will listen and join, people you’ve never met but share the same feelings and want to sing along. If you sharing the same feelings you may have more in common too and you could have a great new friend.
Singing rather than speaking could truly help us to eliminate depression and other issues associated with a build up of unexpressed emotion.
In respone to brendan: I loved your idea! Your point was well supported with ideas of why togas should replace clothes. Yet the idea was so random and strange I understood you were joking!
Sleeping: the many benefits of being useless.
ReplyDeleteSleeping, or doing nothing at all, is the key to the worlds problems. The primary advantage of inactivity, what many would call temporizing while the world is consumed by issue after issue, is that it eliminates the risks and dangers of life. Life’s dangers, risks, and liabilities are extremely varied and widespread in their causes and effects. Every day, people face sickness, disaster, accident, and danger. As of yet, however, there has been no solution to the plague of danger in this world. Today this changes. I have, through serious and careful analysis determined that there is a common factor in every case of danger. In every dangerous or risky circumstance, the victim has been… awake. The solution is therefore simple! People should stay asleep in bed all day, protecting themselves from the dangers of the woken world, and also ameliorating several other global issues.
In remaining in one’s bed, asleep and unaware of the dangers beyond the bed, like slipping while getting out of bed or falling out of bed, one is protected from life, sheltered but still fulfilled. Never has someone been attacked, infected, or run over while sleeping, and in fact the common phrase describing the ideal way of dying, which goes “passing in one’s sleep”, all demonstrate the peaceful, protected sanctity of the bed.
If everybody remained in then comfort of their beds than there would be no more murders, robberies, or crimes of any sort. There would be no car accidents or breading grounds for diseases either. World violence and human self-destructiveness would come to an end all together.
Staying asleep offers many other advantages along with protection and safety. By sleeping people reduce the need for sustenance and therefore reduce the urge to eat and the endless consumption of food products. This has the substantial effect of ending world hunger, as food would no longer be in demand or short supply. Here it is demonstrated that sleep, while primarily being the best form of protection and defense, also serves many other wonderful purposes.
In addition to reducing food urges, sleeping is also one of the best exercises known to man. One can burn over 1500 calories a day by sleep nonstop. What better way to get a bikini bod and stay healthy. As a matter of fact, sleeping is an extremely healthy activity. It rebuilds the body, repairs damaged tissue, rejuvenates the brain.
A final advantage resulting from a bed-ridden society is the protection of the environment. All human activities result in environmental destruction. There are those who take part in the actual destruction of forests and rivers, oceans and prairies, and more commonly there are those who indirectly destroy the environment, who keep the destroyers in business by buying lumber and fuel to power their waking fancies and needs. Not even to mention the dangers associated with these activities, which include trees falling on peoples heads, exhaust fumes poisoning city dwellers, and oil spills contaminating food supplies. By sleeping, people eliminate the need for fuel and lumber, and the need of putting people at risk to collect fuel and lumber.
Whether it is protection, a solution world hunger, a perfect workout, or a solution to the environmental crisis, sleeping and staying in bed has it all. No one can come to any harm by sleeping, and nothing is more effective in repairing the damage we have done to ourselves and our world than doing absolutely nothing at all. Thus sleeping truly is the answer to all human problems.
I enjoyed reading Brendan's essay on togas and thought it did a good job of using satirical tools to accomplish the task of drawing attention to a real issue by making jokes about it. I also think Ziqi and Sammy did well in their essay, where both also used good tools of rhetoric, such as making blatantly ridiculous claims that are designed to make the reader exclaim in protest or laughter
Acceptable Sibling Exchange
ReplyDeleteMany families today have sibling related issues. Siblings annoy each other, fight, destroy the other’s creations, copy the other, tattletale to parents, wish the other gone, take the other’s things, and refuse to play with each other which leads to discontent in the family. It also leads to stress in the family ties, lack of loving relationships between the siblings, stress of parents, and long term detachment of siblings. Anyone who has a sibling, or siblings, knows what takes place. Older children are annoyed and fed up with a copycat younger sibling while younger children are teased and annoyed by their older siblings. These are reasons why siblings should be allowed to swap their ‘bad’ sibling for another.
For families with only one child the swapping is not applicable. A one child family is stuck with that child forever. They must endure the hardships of tantrums, disobedience and a lonely child. The single child will rule the house with a firm grasp. Families with multiple children will be consistently undergoing swapping as the arguments start. If the children inside the home are happy then the whole home is happy.
The fighting, which impedes long lasting relationships, allows the children to move freely as they search for the perfect sibling. With no time to build deep relationships there is less conflict between siblings. A child could stay only for an hour before being swapped again. Each child is intent on finding a sibling just right for them and their tastes. The children do not need to focus on building relationships with the parents or other siblings because if they do not get along then they are swapped. The focus is on fun and what the individual desires. At the same time, the decrease in arguments helps to build an ideal family where no one argues or fights.
The parents have no say in the swapping. They do not have to directly put up with the antics of a bad sibling as they are not a sibling. The parents simply supervise, provide a home for, watch over, and feed the children currently under their care. Once a child leaves their home for another, the child is no longer their concern. Of course, parents will end up with children in their house who are not of their blood, but they have no say in the matter.
Whenever siblings do not get along one is simply swapped out for another. This means there is a constant exchange of siblings. Older siblings are given their choices first as they were in the family first. Then the younger siblings are placed. The child receives full say in whom they want as a sibling and who they do not. If, in a family of six children, each child complained of another the whole family, except for the oldest, would be swapped out for new siblings and placed in different homes.
Swapping siblings relieves sibling rivalries, household stress, and general unhappiness. With ideal families across the world based upon relationships being improved, everyone would get along better. There would be fewer fights, less arguing, and a better understanding of how different people can be from one another.
i liked parker's essay about sleeping. it was obvious that he was joking when he said we should stay asleep in bed all day but at the same time he gave good examples that were convincing. i found it enjoyable. i thought brendan's was interesting and brought up a good point about clothes and clothes brands. i liked sammy's essay as well. i love singing so the idea of life being a musical was fun! unrealistic like it is suppose to be but still a cool/fun idea
ReplyDeleteThe Blog won't let me post my whole essay, so I am going to post it in two parts. Here's part 1...
ReplyDeleteAfter Germany surrendered, Americans didn’t have the spirit to finish World War II. There had already been to high a cost fighting Germany, and Americans were wary of the cost of finishing off Japan. The Japanese weren’t powerful enough to pose a threat anymore, but an invasion of their homeland would have cost an enormous number of lives. Luckily, America had just discovered the greatest power ever known to mankind: the nuclear bomb. Using their new power, America forced Japan to surrender.
Since then, we America has progressed to the point where it has enough nuclear weaponry to blow the entire world five times over. Our predecessors’ used the nuclear bomb to exert dominance; They knew that using the bomb would force their enemies to respect them. We must follow in our predecessors’ footsteps, by not hesitating to unleash our full power. Logically, Americans used their entire nuclear arsenal (two bombs) at the end of World War II, so it would only make sense for us to unleash our entire arsenal as well.
Such a decision would be advantages for several reasons. First of all, we wouldn’t feel threatened by other counties. How can North Korea scare us if it no longer exists? Without the rest of the world to worry about, American’s can live happy, peaceful lives. The president elects would no longer have to worry about debating foreign policy, because there wouldn’t be any foreign countries to worry about.
Currently, our government is struggling to fight its wars at the same as supporting its economy. Well if we simply nuked the other countries, we wouldn’t have to worry about fighting any more wars. Without the need to support a military, we could focus on more constructive issues. America could focus all of its income on its economy and infrastructure. America also has a large debt problem. Well after nuking countries that we owe money to, we can tell them to set aside our debt, or else we’ll nuke them again. In doing so, we’ll quickly solve our debt crisis.
Another critical problem America faces is its bad soccer team. We are ranked around 35th to 40th best in the world, which considering our country’s size, is quite embarrassing. The Unites States soccer team is even worse than Ghana, South Korea, Paraguay, and Egypt. But if we destroy all of the other countries, we would have the best soccer team in the world. Since we would be the only team, we would finally win the world cup. Americans would feel a sense of pride knowing that their country has the best (and only) soccer team in the world.
Let’s not forget that it would also look cool. Few things in life are more thrilling than seeing a huge mushroom cloud engulf and annihilate an entire city. Americans would feel like the “alpha dogs” after seeing what they did to do to the rest of the world.
Obviously, my viewpoint is difficult to counter, so I can only think of two possible counterarguments. Other countries that have nuclear weapons could retaliate, causing millions of Americans to die. I, for one, suggest we look on the bright side. A few hundred might live. Being among the few survivors, these people will appreciate their lives more. Instead of taking so many luxuries for granted, Americans will appreciate how lucky they are to even be alive. Also, the few survivors will be forced to make friends with each other, causing them to rediscover the importance of friendship. So in a certain way, we will be doing ourselves a favor, because the few Americans that survive will be enlightened philosophically.
ReplyDeleteAnother minor nuisance would be that there wouldn’t be any other countries to trade with. International trade is a significant source of wealth in our country. Solving this problem is simple. Currently, the only footage we have of nuclear destruction is the foggy, black and white image of bombs being dropped over Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but with modern technology, we can make clips that are much more exciting. By videotaping as many nuclear explosions as possible, the government can make a movie in which Americans can watch cities be vaporized for hours on end… in 3D! By charging admission for this movie, the government can make enough money to compensate for its loss of trading partners.
Our country is currently coping with all of the other nations of the world. But this is inconvenient. Instead of coping with them, we should get rid of them. Why would we have built such a large nuclear arsenal if we didn’t plan on using it? If we hope to be a successful country, we must pursue a warlike path, so that we can accomplish the nuclear apocalypse we have always hoped for.
Part One
ReplyDeleteA Brief Suggestion on Achieving Bipartisanship in the United States:
The United States of America is the most powerful nation in the world. The United States stands for freedom and justice, an oasis in a world of black intrigue and corruption. But a chasm has opened up beneath the feet of the American people, tearing their lives asunder, separating the people from each other. The unilateralism of American politics is ripping the country apart and diverting our attention from responsibly governing the country. The last advice George Washington gave to the United States was a warning against partisanship; yet we have ignored his advice, with disastrous effects on the country. We must return to bipartisanship policies if the United States is to remain powerful. But how? Politicians dig into immutable positions on even the pettiest arguments. Even an earthquake failed to shake their polarized stances on issues like health care, the debt, and taxation. Nevertheless, hope is not lost… yet. We have plan B. We still have this one last resort, a plan that is destined to succeed. Rabid partisans will walk into the voting booth bent on destroying the opposing party, and will come out to a happier, brighter world.
During the era of good feelings partisanship was set aside. No one cared about your party. People respected each other and listened to their opinions on major issues. It was a happy time, a time to look back on and sigh with content. Yet these halcyon days seem to be lost forever. What is different between then and now? In the era of good feelings there was only one political party. The Federalist Party had dissolved after the Hartford Convention, and the Democratic - Republican Party was left to govern in peace. But in a fateful turn of events the Democrat Republican party separated into Democrats and Republicans, and the gap between the parties has grown ever since. If we are to return to the days of the era of good feelings, we must eliminate a party.
This, of course, is more complicated than it sounds. If anybody tries to approach either party and give it a week to pack up and leave the country, you’ll be trampled by a herd of elephants or donkeys. Republicans would never let the Democrats govern by themselves, and the Democrats would never let the Republicans govern by themselves. We must bring both a parties around and find a common solution that equally affects both parties; and when is it a better time to do so than on Election Day?
Part Two
ReplyDeleteA Brief Suggestion on Achieving Bipartisanship in the United States Continued:
For a democracy, the voting turn out in America is rather low. Approximately 58% of the eligible population makes the trip to the voting center and enters their ballot. If one is a hard core politician, one is likely to vote; if one hates the opposing party with a vengeance, one is likely to vote; or if one affiliates with a party at all, one is likely to vote. Who are left? Those who may not be a part of the two major parties, such as Independents and moderates, those who make up the 42% who decide not to waste the gas and drive to the voting center, they are the ones who are needed the most in politics. They are the ones who won’t plague the country and the world with their partisanship. This 42% is the population that will remain in the country after Election Day, the day of the grand plan.
Just picture the scene. Everyone who is involved in politics goes to vote. They walk into the voting center in the crisp November air, their eyes shining with the thought of the opposing party’s great defeat. Proceeding into the voting booth, they will begin bubbling in the voting sheet, reminiscing about the SAT. Then, suddenly, secure behind the curtain, a trap door will open beneath their feet. They won’t have time to think before their karma catches up with them for the last time, purging the country of the democratic and republican parties. The minority who don’t vote will become the majority. They will proceed to govern unaffiliated with any party, free to make the decisions that will help the nation the most without fear of retribution from their conservative or liberal parties.
Euthanasia, you say? Maybe. It certainly singles out certain groups and kills them off. But it’s all for the good of the country. Without partisanship the United States will continue to stand for freedom and justice, an oasis in a world of holocausts and genocides and war, a world filled with evil men like Hitler and Osama bin Laden.
Brendan, I really like your satire. Your tone throughout the piece is matter of fact and logical, it is very effective in getting your point across: we spend to much on clothing in America. But it is so random I couldn't help but laugh.
Most people in today's society approve the fact that receiving large sums of money for doing something many can do is prodigious. Money is divided into status of the position of the job and how a more acknowledged position may grant the worker more money. Yet, these days, we not look to talent to decide revenue, but rather the fact that the worker completes the job. Therefore, I commend the proposal that people that have great "talents" should be paid the big bucks as opposed to attainment.
ReplyDeleteObviously workers in large companies have a great amount of power over the laborers of the many industries today. They are the people who run the company, the people who guide it along the path in order for it to be the most successful. More often than not, they aren't paid abundantly enough to do their job and at the same time aren't praised enough for their workings. Many of these talented folk lack the attention from other countries even though their products or ideas are in the multinational industry. This also happens inside the country, where the president's efforts aren't honored or recognized due to the status of the company. A company president is a prime example of this. The pay that they receive is based upon how their company does throughout that year, the ranking compared to other large companies, and not just how they did themselves, but rather the efforts of the workers below them. This is not how it should fall because their part in the company is huge, therefore they should attain more than the CEO's who earn no matter if their company is failing or not. Their talent is scarcely acknowledged and therefore their pay should be raised significantly.
This doesn't always regard workers in the industrial nor exchange world. Talents such as lawyers and doctors do not nearly earn more money than professional athletes these days. Yet, as athletes entertain, lawyers enforce the law and defend clients for various reasons. We should be paying them more for their services because they are emphasizing the ideal society where people should have justice rather than injustice. All the athletes do is complain about wanting more money when they earn millions of dollars each year to hit somebody or put a ball in a hoop. The fact that the average revenue for people who entertain compared to the arts and practical jobs is astonishing.
Overall, the money in which the talented make is not high enough. At least not high enough for what they are doing. Their talents are overlooked and are given lesser pay. It is time for them to be recognized and rewarded for their accomplishments and the hard work they put into their lives.
Parker, I really enjoyed reading your essay. It really caught my attention and made me think of other things that relate to it. Your tone was great and overall you really convinced me. Great job!
Silence for the Masses
ReplyDeleteWhen his cell phone starts buzzing he hurriedly answers it and starts blabbing away about some “pressing” issue while the crowd heaves a sigh of frustration. You may ask what is wrong with this picture? Isn’t the man just exercising his constitutional right of free speech? Well he is, but he is pissing off another ten people while doing so. These people who walk around screaming into their mobiles feel that they have the right to take up all the airspace in a twenty-foot bubble. Not to fear though, there is a solution to all of this noise and unnecessary angst.
Plastic, in America, is a relatively malleable and insulating material that is very easy to come by. Plastic can be molded into various shapes including cubes, pyramids, and bubbles. Plastic can also be manipulated, so that it is transparent, as well as very light. I see no reason, why people who talk loudly in public on their cell phones would be averse to wearing a large plastic bubble over their heads. The bubbles would completely insulate the sound, while having tiny air holes, which would allow proper ventilation.
These bubbles would also ensure that any violent actions attempted by the caller would be stopped because of the size of the bubble. The bubbles would be lightweight and extremely cheap, letting even the most destitute of executives and angry business owners afford them. The bubbles would have customizable features including: optional print or design, optional bulletproofing, and optional slogans. These plastic bubbles would be sold at any local convenience store, or any retailer near you.
With these bubbles, comes the silence we all crave. No more obnoxious executive yelling at his frantic secretary. No more businessmen screaming “Buy! Buy! Buy!” into his blackberry. These plastic bubbles are the answer we are all seeking because they are light, cheap, and extremely insulating. I can think of no reasons why people would make any sort of opposition to this proposal, except for the complaint that this solves the problem over-sufficiently.
I really liked parker's essay on sleeping, and how it is the solution to our problems. He does a great job of clearly stating the benefits and why we should implement his strategy, saying that it would eliminate the accident rate in the world, as well as sove several world problems such as world hunger and global war.
Alcohol- a drink pertaining ethanol as in whiskey or beer. The taste lingers for satisfaction. Some alcoholics are summoned by the smell of the rich concoction.It is advertised everywhere the temptation will be hard to withhold. Sooner or later you are bound to try it.Alcohol is a wonderful way to be happy. If alcohol is thrust apon alcoholism is sure to follow. Your life will fall right into place. Alcohol is a sure way to find free time because by now your wife has divorced you and your out of money so you m.ight as well enjoy cheap beer and continue to make your habit worse.
ReplyDeleteSome people seek adrenaline fixes.If you are one of these people try driving under the influence . Driving gets really exciting with blurred vision. Possibly get caught by the police and taken to jail. Where actually you could think of it like staying in a hotel for a night. There are plenty accomadations like the free food and a place to stay for a night.
Drinking is kind of like going on vaction, think about it Its a chance to escape the law.Drive like you are a NASCAR driver because afterall your drivering points dont mean anything.Being an alcoholic is a sure way to pick up women and feel good about yourself. Women really like the bad breath and provaocative mouth of yours. A great night wasted away again ,happy that memories are wipped away to start fresh the next night.
When you realize that your life is taking a downwards fall because of alcohol don't worry because just remember the great times you had because of it. Afterall Alexander the great died from alcohol poisoning ,but everyone says that one should follow after the great. Hopefully you now know all of the wonderful benefits of alcoholism.Drink for the well-being of youeself because beer isnt just for college kids anymore.
I liked Brendans essay and how he talked about clothes brands. It was quite witty! I also liked sammys essay and how it was almost like life is a musical! unrealistic,but really funny!
Since when did children's safety and mental health become more important than an institutions reputation? Clearly some people think children’s safety comes first, as the Penn State campus police, athletic director, and some coaches are receiving criticism for not reporting a colleagues inappropriate actions with young boys.
ReplyDeleteAccording to court testimony, Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky was seen doing improper things with young boys in the shower several times different times beginning in 1998. Not once was the issue ever brought to police and he was able to continue his actions ever since... and rightfully so because the University comes first.
State officials are clamoring about the issue, and Police Chief Frank Noonan was quoted as saying “I don’t think I’ve ever been associated with a case where that type of eyewitness identification of sex acts taking place where the police weren’t called.” Why all the hubbub? Sandusky won games for Penn State, and as a linebacker coach and defensive coordinator he produced many incredible defensive squads and coached 10 All-American linebackers. Clearly he played a huge roll in Penn State’s success so why let a few kids’ well-being get in the way? The Coach comes first. The men who saw Sandusky with the boys and who did not say anything made the right choice for the school. Whoever told on Sandusky should be locked up, because they are hurting the Penn State football team and Penn State University’s reputation.
Sandusky’s first episode regarding young boys came in 1998, when Campus Police were investigating his actions. He admitted to inappropriate contact with young boys in the shower rooms but of course nothing happened, the Campus Police knew to protect the team and school first. Two years later janitors spotted Sandusky again with young boys in the shower rooms but did not report it for fear of losing their jobs (but also probably because they knew what the right call was). Over the years, several more incidents like this happened, but it never reached police until recently, when a snitch snitched. The local police should have known better than to make a big deal out of a few children when football and reputation is on the line. It is hard to understand how some people’s priorities can be so messed up, and because of one such person, Penn State has now lost face and a reliable assistant coach.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/08/sports/ncaafootball/penn-states-paterno-is-not-a-target-in-sexual-abuse-inquiry.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1
I really enjoyed reading Parkers essay. I liked his tone, it seemed to him like the answer was just so clear and he was having the easiest time defending his position. To be fair, I am a little biased because I wouldn't mind spending all day in bed.
ReplyDeleteAmerica’s history has been racked with racial injustice and prejudice. For a land that is defined by its many freedoms, it certainly seems to have many hypocrites. There has been many a leader who has attempted to unite the country, despite its many different ethnicities, through various methods. From peaceful demonstrations and protests to educating the general population on the irrationality of racism, America has only seen minimal change. What these activists have failed to grasp is that the way to solve racism is not through promoting any one race or bringing it into a better light, it is through literally forcing everyone into equality so an individual’s race is literally irrelevant.
ReplyDeleteThe way I propose to do this is by creating one large mega race that includes all of the different ethnicities combined. The key to this is to not acknowledge any race at all but instead to make everyone look the same and completely unlike any particular type of person. I think everyone would agree that all racism originates first in what we see. As so eloquently stated by Karl Marx, “Men’s ideas are the most direct emanations of their material state.” So, by eliminating a difference in what we see, we will shut down the part of the brain that jumps to those judgmental conclusions. The question is, how can we possibly make the 150 plus different ethnicities all look the same? The answer is much more simple than one might think, we paint everybody.
Each day of the week could be represented by a certain color, maybe by following the rainbows pattern. Each morning after taking a shower one would simply spray themselves with the color of the day; effectively the same way as one might spray tan these days. There is no better way to make everyone equal. Of course, there would have to be a set schedule for which day is which color. Giving people the option to decide for themselves what color to be would only provide a new facet for racists to continue on their practice. But by ensuring that everyone is the same color, any sense of false superiority would be crushed; it would be very hard to claim you were better than the next person if what defines the individual is the same from person to person.
Because there is nothing that can be done to eliminate what has happened in the past, any colors of paint that could refer to a certain race must be avoided. Picking meaningful colors would be the quickest way to invoke a boycott. Instead colors like pink, green, blue, and violet would be used as the paints. In effect, painting our bodies would provide each individual with a clean slate to define whom they are as a person without allowing anyone the ability to make preconceived ideas on their character.
I liked Carolyns essay a lot because she used many common excuses and issues pertaining to the issue of alcoholism. Despite the fact that she never came right out and said that drinking was a bad idea, I have never seen something in writing that was more persuasive on the fact that excessive drinking is just stupid. She as the author got her point across very clearly that drinking is a bad idea, and as the narrator of the essay said basically don't worry about the overwhelming evidence that drinking is bad, if you had a good time everything was worth it. This was a great essay!
ReplyDeleteGlobal warming has caused the small town of Hanover, NH to have extreme weather conditions this year. With the June tornado, the Irene flood, the Virginia based earthquake, and the recent Nor’easter that brought October a great snowfall have all been products of global warming. These natural weather occurrences have killed plants and trees, destroyed homes, and closed stores leaving the people of the Upper Valley homeless, and foodless. I do believe with one simple construction plan, the Upper Valley will be sheltered from these outside damaging forces. A gigantic, waterproof, tornado proof, and earthquake proof dome will save the people and plants of this small New England area.
ReplyDeleteA steel frame with tornado proof glass will reach one mile high into the sky. This dome will allow the sun to shine through, but will not allow UV rays to enter the ecosystem. The people of the Upper Valley will never have to worry about sunscreen ever again, since the dome will not allow any sun contact to their skin. The cancer rate will surely go down. Since, the dome will be steel and glass, there will never be flooding again since no rain will be able to enter the inside of the dome.
The dome will also help with pollution in the air, because no acid will be able to seep in. It will cover every mountain in the Upper Valley so you can still enjoy hiking. This dome will allow no snow to enter the area either so say “good bye” to those freezing winters. You can enter and leave the dome though if one wishes to travel outside of the Upper Valley. There would be a mile high steel door opening into another half a mile high rectangular dome. You will then sit in the rectangular area while the steel door closes behind, so no outside forces will be let into the sheltered NH towns. Once the door shuts, the other door will open, allowing you to travel to other places.
Since the dome will be a mile high, it will cover all houses and buildings in the area, protecting them from destructive natural resources. In order for trees, grass, and plants to be watered, there will be a sprinklers in the top of the dome that will go off at 3am approximately everyday so the people will miss the rain fall.
This dome will be the answer to all problems faced here in the Upper Valley. I cannot think of one objection to this plan because it will save us from cancer, flooding, and our crops dying too early. The people of these towns will be overjoyed with this solution and I cannot wait to share it.
Parker you're essay was hilarious. I loved how you added in all the "facts" about just sleeping nonstop. It's a really funny idea, and you seemed very serious about it.
I really liked Brendan's essay. It was funny and ridiculous, which are both important qualities of a satirical essay. Much like Matt, I couldn't help but to laugh a little. I also found Bethany's essay interesting, especially since I can personally realate to it. I am the oldest of four siblings, and sometimes I feel like I want to swap them when I am angry (lol).
ReplyDeletePoliticians everywhere are constantly debating and campaigning all over the country to try and get the vote of the people. And honestly, I feel all that is a huge waste of time. There has got to be an easier way to solve this problem and I think I have come up with a solution. You can learn a lot from studying the success and failures of others, which gave me the idea to how and solve this problem. Politicians should challenge their opponents to a duel to the death rather than settle their differences through civil negotiations.
ReplyDeleteSo much time is wasted campaigning and debating with fellow politicians when what they really need is to get down to the point. Most politicians of opposing parties don’t like each other and what they stand for so they should stop beating around the bush and challenge their opponents to duels with guns or swords. The fact that these fights would be do the death would solve a lot. For one, the winner wouldn’t have anybody opposing his or her ideas and would in part make the election a lot easier. But there would have to be some ground rules so every politician didn’t start fighting every other one. For starters, a single politician could only fight one duel every six months, so the amount of duels would go down. Also, both sides would have to except before a fight could be sanctioned. An arena would need to be built for battles such as these so the public could view the fight and to make sure it was fair. Lastly, a fight is not over until the head of the loser has been removed as a spoil of war for the victor. It seems very much like a gladiator fight, but it solves a whole lot more than that. This proposal would be put under high scrutiny, but in its defense this sort of practice happened in this country not to long ago and if I’m not wrong it worked quite well.
Politicians anger me with all of their nonsense so I wouldn’t mind if a few of them were knocked off. Hey, if a couple people need to die so there aren’t as many arguments, so be it. Our politicians send our troops to war without knowing what it is like. They need to step into the ring and see what it is like being close to death. This is an excellent idea because it solves a lot of problems. If a politician isn’t strong enough to hold up in the “ring of death”, which is what it would be called, then they aren’t strong enough to govern this fine country of ethics and morals.
I enjoyed Parker’s essay very much because it is ridiculous, funny, and I can relate to it. There are days for everyone, especially myself, where we wish we could lie in bed all day and not have to deal with all of out problems out in the world. His essay is funny and has a ridiculous nature that people can relate to and enjoy.
ReplyDeletepart 1
ReplyDeleteToday our world is plague with billions of viruses, bacteria, and many other germs that are spread from person to person as easily as we breath (and perhaps because we breath). This has always been a problem, for years we have succumbed to germs, bacteria, and viruses from the bubonic plague to athletes foot. It has come to my attention that in the twenty-first century we have made such huge advancements such as the Internet, and airplanes, that we could avoid things that are smaller than the eye can see with ease. To do this we must separate our selves from the outside world completely, and the simple and economic way to do this is by wearing plastic covered full-body (literally head to toe) jumpsuits.
By wearing jump suits we would be able to completely separate ourselves from the rest of the world. We would no longer have to touch each other or objects that others have touched. We would be able to monitor to every invisible microbe what we were coming in contact with. The only problem with being completely separate from the rest of the word is that we wouldn’t be able to eat or go to the bathroom, but these minuscule issues could be easily solved. For eating we would feed ourselves through a series of detachable tubes that would have so many different connections and doors and turns that it would be impossible for something unwanted to get through the tube. Once finished with eating the tube could be steamed clean at incredible high temperatures and set aside for the next meal. For the bathroom a similar method could be used. Some might object to this method of avoiding the unavoidable evils of germs by saying it would cause humans to become monotonous if we were all wearing jump suits, but this is also a problem that could be easily solved. Everyone could wear a base jumpsuit that would never be taken off, and then to be more fashionable and more protected one could put yet another more aesthetically pleasing jumpsuit over it. What ever simple problems of everyday life that could potentially arise from being encased in plastic for the rest of your life could be easily solved.
part 2
ReplyDeleteIf it is though about hard enough, this is the solution everyone has been searching for. All of the hand sanitizers and anti-bacterial surface cleaners would no longer be necessary because we would no longer have to touch anything dirty. We spend so much money today on being clean, but if we no longer had to waste our money on something as mudane as cleanliness our money would be saved. Another common occurrence that would be avoided is most sicknesses. We contract diseases through contact with other human beings and what other humans have touched, but if we were to never touch anything directly those awful germs would never make their way into our bodies. What would also be beneficial to being severed from the outside world is that we would also be avoiding those nasty little particles of pollen that cause our eyes to water uncomfortable. Allergies would no longer be a problem at all, which would also produce the amount of disease carry things that come out of our bodies, such as sneezes and coughs. With every possible connection with the outside world cut off we would no longer have to worry about killing germs, or even avoiding them.
A jump suit is such a simple thing to resort to when avoiding germs. They are clean and they provide an adequate barriers between and individual human being and the outside world. What more is that using jumpsuits would save money for every single person. Head to toe coverage would be the solution that we all seek in showering daily and washing out hands. In the twenty-first century we have solved many problems, and finally a solution to an age old problem is provided.
I thought that Parker did a really good job of convincing the reader that sleeping was really the solution to all our problems. He presented a lot of problems that could be avoided with sleeping and he also stated the benefits of sleeping. The other part that I though was good about Parker’s essay was that is was humorous, although not so humorous that the reader thought the essay was ludicrous.
People waste great amounts of water every day. They use it to take long showers and flush the toilet after emptying their half-full bladders. Before electricity was invented, people would go weeks without showering and would pour a bucket over them to clean their bodies. They dug a hole every time they had to go to the bathroom. They urinated on the ground and used leafs to wipe themselves instead of using toilet paper. People urinated and defecated publicly and had no privacy. The amount of water that was saved 200 years ago compared to the amount of water that is wasted today is incalculable. One should ask themselves these questions: Are long showers really necessary? Do I really need to go to the bathroom in a toilet?. I think that if people shower with one bucket of water every other day and go to the bathroom in an outhouse or a porta potty, more water will be saved.
ReplyDeleteWhen I shower, I tend to like to take long, hot showers. What I never realized is that I'm using water that can be reused to save someone from dehydration. Now what I do when I shower is take a bucket, fill it up with soapy water and then pour it my body. I get the same amount of cleanliness as I would if I were to take a shower. When I pour the water over my body, I smile because I just saved a person from dehydration. It feels good to know that I am saving millions of more lives each day than a firefighter does. The best thing about this life-saving process is that I'm still getting cleansed every other day and saving a lot of water.
People love to have 15 minutes to themselves while they take their time on the toilet. Water is being wasted daily by oblivious people who think that once their bladder feels a little full, they immediately have to go to the bathroom. I am not suggesting that people should go to the bathroom out in the open because I like my privacy, just like any other normal person. I just want indoor toilets removed and outhouses or porta potties put in people's yards. No water is needed for outhouses and porta potties, so that saves a great amount of water. And besides, you can use excrement for fertilizer. When the power goes out and I need to go to the bathroom, I don't have to go in the woods. All I have to do is just use my porta potty or outhouse. I do not have to worry about wasting water. Also, I no longer have to worry about putting my energy into unclogging and flushing toilets. All I have to do is do my business and then I'm done.
The thought of saving such great amounts of water excites me. I never have to worry about being criticized for taking a long shower or going to the bathroom when not needed. I am saving more people's lives by using a bucket of water or by using an outhouse or porta potty. The world's population will always increase and there will be less people dying from dehydration. It isn't a difficult task to give up a person's long showers or excessive toilet flushes. If someone just thinks about how they are saving people from dehydration and saving energy, they will be more motivated to give their indoor toilet and shower up. Who knows, an idea like this comes once every century because people tend to forget about history!
I really enjoyed reading Carolyn's satirical essay about alcohol. It was clever and I could tell that her essay was satirical. She had good examples to backup her idea. She kept an exuberant attitude throughout her essay and I laughed at all her ideas.
The issue of illegal immigration in the United States has plagued our country for many years. The majority of the the immigrants originate in Mexico and sneak across the border using numerous techniques to avoid the border patrol. The increasing number of Mexicans on American soil takes its toll in a myriad of ways. Firstly is the obvious issue of the immigrants taking away American jobs. When previously our agricultural products were picked by good hard working full blooded American slaves, they are now being harvested by foreigners. This not only hurts the average american worker who is now without a job but it also hurts the American economy which is losing billions of dollars in tax revenue. The second problem that has arisen from the increase in Mexican immigrants are the mexican restaurants that are cropping up left and right throughout are country. While American food is famous for being both delicious and nutritious, the mexican food that is peddled at these restaurants is cheap junk food. This food does not agree with American metabolisms and is almost solely responsible for the exponential rise in obesity throughout the country. It took a while but I think I have found a way to get rid of the mexican menace in America.
ReplyDeleteI had been bothered by the pestilence that is growing in America for some time now but I could see no solution. However, it came to me after many days of thought and research. It was apparent that it was impossible to forcibly remove the Mexican immigrants because they could simply sneak back in. So I concluded that the only way to get them out of America was to make them want to leave. To do this we must hit them where it hurts. Their bellies. If we were to outlaw all Mexican restaurants throughout the United States I am sure it would have a drastic effect on the number of mexican immigrants coming and staying here. If we cut of the Mexican food source we would essentially starve them out of our country. Additionally, the removal of these restaurants would reduce the obesity rate in the US by leaps and bounds. I have no doubt that this proposal would work as it has no potential for failure.
While it is unlikely that there would be objections to this proposal I realize I cannot say that I have fully thought it out unless I ponder what could possibly be criticized about it. I suppose that a small section of the populous may object to having Mexican food outlawed because they have grown to love it and eat it every day. However these people must be disregarded as they have succumbed to the addictive nature of fatty tortillas and heart attack inducing tamales. Their views on the topic will certainly change once their lives have been improved by my proposal. Who could be against being healthier and having a job? This plan cannot be criticized.
I hope that with proper backing my proposal could be implemented nationwide and lead to the betterment of our country as a whole. Many if not all people would feel the positive affects of getting rid of the Mexicans and their horrible food. And while the Mexicans would initially not want to leave they would feel much more happy when living in their native country. I believe that this plan has no downside.
I think that while obviously satire that Anna's idea is actually a good one if everyone did it. It could work and would actually save millions of gallons of water a day. So while satirical it has a valuable kernel of inspiration from which a more realistic idea could stem
ReplyDeleteA frequently heard lament of our political system is the increasingly violent and confrontational rhetoric. It sometimes seems that the Republicans and Democrats are more concerned with taking cheap shots, and blocking the other party than, you know, actually running the nation in a sane manner. However, I would like to humbly propose that what many see as a worrying dereliction of purpose in our nation’s leaders, is actually a blessing, and should be encouraged, even reveled in.
ReplyDeleteAmerica is, at it’s heart, a nation born in violent conflict. We started our glorious history by picking a fight with the most powerful empire in the world. Andrew Jackson, unarguable one of our greatest Presidents and Native American genocidists, was also known for surviving an assassination attempt by beating the would-be assassin to the ground with a wooden cane. That’s the sort of people we need leading the country. We need badass, unflinching maniacs who chronically engage in honors duels, and, when confronted by an assassin with a pistol, charge in with a wooden change. We need men like Teddy Roosevelt, who gave a two-hour long speech after getting shot in the chest with a pistol. Those are the sort of people we need running this country.
I say, if our leaders are so fond of freedom, if they truly want to defeat the other party, then let them do it. Instead of debates, we need deathmatches. No longer shall we attempt to engage with meaningless debates. It’s not like either party even listens to the other, anyway. If politics are to become a battleground, then let’s make it a battle ground with style. What I propose is ritual combat on the senate floor, between our elected officials. The “debates” would be conducted with a random assortments of weapons, guns, knives, swords, and even barehanded. There would be team battles, between republican, and democrats, and one-on one duel.
The benefits of, this, I think, are clear. No longer would be forces to watch for days as boring old men and women debate the same points over and over again. Instead, all resolutions would be quick, definitive, and satisfying. Furthermore, no one would be tempted to bring up an issue they weren’t willing to die for. After all, if you aren’t willing to die for your belief, you are clearly a hypocrite. Even better, there would be a high rate of turnover in the government, keeping our government fluid, and adaptable.
The economic benefits would also be enormous. No longer would C-span be a banal drain on our precious taxpayer dollars. Congressional Deathmatches would be a national sport, on par with football. We could even charge pay-per-view exclusives, maybe even solving our nation debt crisis.
Presidential elections could also be carried out this way. Instead of months of idiotic flip-flopping on issues, we could have a tiered “debate” system, elimination style. The final battles would be talked about for years, massive duels, and then we’d have a president truly worthy of the post; a president, who kicked the ass of all possible challengers, in the true, American, way.
During my short stay here at Hanover high school I have come to noticed that people focus better when there is music colored lights and fog machines running at all times. Most high school students enjoy being stimulated by extremely bright lights and house music, so having a rave like environment at all times would not only keep students alert but also encourage healthy activities such as dancing, grinding, and mosh pits. Also having a rave like environment will encourage people to learn how to DJ which will be yet another advantage Hanover High students will have over other local schools.
ReplyDeleteTests are a large part of our curriculum and people struggle daily with them. One of the large problems with tests is that they are extremely boring and they make students drowsy. Students sometimes even fall asleep during tests. If a rave like environment was set up then students would feel exhilarated and ready to work. Many students also work better when a consistent beat is playing because it helps them get in to a work rhythm. As a bonus for test taking people wont be able to here other students because the music is too loud.
Many modern teens do not get enough exercise. If there is a rave like environment all of the time people will inevitably dance, grind, and have mosh pits to the music giving them the precocious exercise that they are lacking. Also dance is a good extracurricular activity to have as a skill in life. Hanover high school could potentially gain another particularly strong activity to show off to be proud of. If students enjoy mosh pits they will ether become more physical and grow stronger athletes and also the weaker kids will become injured and sent away from the school giving us a higher present of athletic students.
The other skill that will be encouraged by this environment is learning to DJ. This will fit very nicely in to our already strong music department. Learning to DJ could even become its own course. This will once again improve the image of Hanover high school. The DJ’s that the school produces will be able to throw school sectioned concerts where half the proceeds go in to school funding. This way we will be able to afford the tissues we so desperately need.
There really is no downfall to this proposal. It will help fund the school, improve the athletic department, and create a new generation of DJ’s and dancers. Also it will make our school have better academics.